FML

So I've been seeing someone for a few months. This wasn't a new relationship. He's been my best friend since we were 7 and we've dated off and on over the years. I've always loved him and always will... he always was my 1st love, still is. But this time around, I did something I knew I shouldn't have. I was completely honest with him.. opened up completely. Told him things I had never told him before. Told him how much I loved him and wanted to be with him. He told me he felt the same way. One problem though..

He's married.

Yes, we started a relationship anyway. His marriage was on the rocks, they were doing marriage counseling and it wasn't getting any better. It still isn't getting any better but they aren't done with all of their sessions. They have 4 more to go.

In between all of this, I knew he loved me and wanted to be with me. I also knew that he was only going through with the rest of the sessions because they had started them before him and I started anything. During all of this we made plans to be together. To get married. To live happily ever after. Yes, there were days where I didn't think I could go on the way we were but I knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel and just kept telling myself to hold on a little longer.

He's asked me a few times if I wanted to put us on 'hold' until their sessions were over and he told her he wanted a divorce and I've always said no. Yesterday we spent the day together and it was wonderful.

Until it was time to leave. We got into an argument about how she treats 1 of his sons (they have no kids together). She's verbally and emotionally abusive but yet.. that's still not enough for him to up and leave now. He says she's trying.. blah blah blah. Anyway, we got into an argument and I spent the last 1/2 hr of the day together crying.

Today we broke up. I don't know for how long. He says it's just til their sessions are over and he tells her he wants a divorce. Am I being stupid to think he really will go thru with it? I'm starting to think so.

My head hurts, my heart hurts and my eyes hurt from crying so much. I just don't know what to do. I want to just go to sleep and forget about the last few months and not wake up for another 6 months. I want to wake up and it all be over with. And if he doesn't decide to be with me after that.. then I want to wake up and not remember anything.

Fuck. My. Life.