Been away.... I am back!

Wow...it's been over 3 years that I have been here.  Writing become sort of a burden for me. I couldn't get the words on paper...or computer screen rather....to match the words in my head. Everything came out garbled and a mess. I hadn't written in years,  until a few weeks ago it just came pouring out. I've written more in the last 2 weeks I think then I had in 10 years.  It was amazing to be able to finally see all those thoughts making cohesive sentences. I will enjoy it while it lasts and get as much out of it as I can. Soooo, yes I'm back.  So much has happened since I was away. It's good now. Things are finally... I think....where they should be. I am happy.  Life is good. :-)  Reading over all the blog post Iit makes me remember why Jen and I started this blog in the first place.  Just 2 besties looking for a place to put down all the crazy things we think about,  story lines we've made up. Our thoughts, our feelings. Experiences. Our life. I miss that. So all new stuff...coming soon...to blog near you. :-)

Favorite Sayings

Here's just some of my favorite sayings:

You cheat on me, I'll jerk you ball headed (yes.. I know it should be bald headed.. but being southern, you drop some letters when you talk lol)

She's so skinny, she's gonna fall out her butt and hang herself.

When something is absurd, instead of saying good lord: Good gravy.

When you dislike someone: I wouldn't pee in her ear, if her brain was on fire..

When something doesn't look straight, like a picture on the wall:  Does this look caddywompus to you?

When offering to bring something to someone's get together: You want me to bring lil' minture cheese sandwiches?  (no.. it's not little miniature.. its lil minture.. pronounced min-chur lol)

When you have to repeat yourself, like when yelling at kids: I done told you that fifty-eleven times!

Tellin your husband you're gonna rock his world:  Imma make you grin like a possum eatin sweet taters.

When shit just seems like a pain in the ass:  Why is everything such a rigamorroll (pronounced rig-a-more-roll)

You can't put flowers in an asshole and call it a vase.. meaning, you can't dress something up and think it's better.. it is what it is.

When someone is getting all testy/pissy:  Don't be gettin all riled up

I call every dog bubba.. doesn't matter what their name is.. or if it's a girl or boy dog.. it's still bubba to me lol

That's about as useful as tits on a bull frog... when you see/hear something that doesn't have any practical use

When something, food wise, has spoiled:  It's rancid

So what are some of your favorite sayings?

Truth!

I speak my mind here. And above that I speak truth. I have no need to lie about anything. If you choose to ignore the truth that's your problem. But I will always speak my mind and heart here. That's what we made this blog for. NOTHING I have written is in any way shape or form a lie or fabrication. What YOU choose to believe again is your problem, not mine. If you wanted to question me, do so and I will prove all I say.

FML

So I've been seeing someone for a few months. This wasn't a new relationship. He's been my best friend since we were 7 and we've dated off and on over the years. I've always loved him and always will... he always was my 1st love, still is. But this time around, I did something I knew I shouldn't have. I was completely honest with him.. opened up completely. Told him things I had never told him before. Told him how much I loved him and wanted to be with him. He told me he felt the same way. One problem though..

He's married.

Yes, we started a relationship anyway. His marriage was on the rocks, they were doing marriage counseling and it wasn't getting any better. It still isn't getting any better but they aren't done with all of their sessions. They have 4 more to go.

In between all of this, I knew he loved me and wanted to be with me. I also knew that he was only going through with the rest of the sessions because they had started them before him and I started anything. During all of this we made plans to be together. To get married. To live happily ever after. Yes, there were days where I didn't think I could go on the way we were but I knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel and just kept telling myself to hold on a little longer.

He's asked me a few times if I wanted to put us on 'hold' until their sessions were over and he told her he wanted a divorce and I've always said no. Yesterday we spent the day together and it was wonderful.

Until it was time to leave. We got into an argument about how she treats 1 of his sons (they have no kids together). She's verbally and emotionally abusive but yet.. that's still not enough for him to up and leave now. He says she's trying.. blah blah blah. Anyway, we got into an argument and I spent the last 1/2 hr of the day together crying.

Today we broke up. I don't know for how long. He says it's just til their sessions are over and he tells her he wants a divorce. Am I being stupid to think he really will go thru with it? I'm starting to think so.

My head hurts, my heart hurts and my eyes hurt from crying so much. I just don't know what to do. I want to just go to sleep and forget about the last few months and not wake up for another 6 months. I want to wake up and it all be over with. And if he doesn't decide to be with me after that.. then I want to wake up and not remember anything.

Fuck. My. Life.

Rude Awakening (con't)

"Umm.. well.. the.. uh.. the fireplace.." He stumbled. This was baffling me. From the first time I ever met Sam, he's never been at a loss of words. I couldn't comprehend why he wouldn't just tell me already!

"SAM! Say it! WHAT?" I yelled, turning the attention of the Officer still at his post at the front enterence at me. He gave me a scolding glance and looked away.

"It was found right over there. By the fireplace." He pointed. "Parts of him were laying on the floor, and some parts were.. well.. already gone."

So THAT'S what that smell was, then. Burning flesh and meat and bones and clothes. I knew it reminded me of bar-b-que....

I shuddered at that last thought. Never again would I ever be able to sit and enjoy some pork ribs drenched in sauce. Not to mention one of those big turkey legs you get at the fairs.

"Which victim was it?" I asked, trying to get the mental picture out of my head.

"They think it was the owner. He was having family game night here with his wife and kids"

That was all I needed to know at the moment. I didn't want to hear anymore. I was just glad it wasn't one of his children. I heard from the gossiping police that the owner had 3 kids. Two sons, 9 and 13 and a daughter who just turned 17.

"You gonna be O.K., Sam? We really need to start on this scene."

"Oh sure.. I'll be fine." He sighed heavily "Hey, would you start cleaning the fireplace though? I think I got the last of the bones out, but I can't be sure."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2 hours later I was finally ready to leave the scene. I had boxes and boxes of evidence. Papers, pieces of carpet, lamps, knifes, fingerprints, even ashes from the fireplace. Thankfully, I wouldn't have to sort through all of this. That was for the 'lab rats'. In this field, you are either a lab rat or a field mouse. There was a time, not too long ago, that I thought I would more enjoy being a field mouse. But on days like this... working in a lab where verything's clean and you don't have to actually SEE or smell a freshly made crime scene, well, it would be so much better.

I stood near the back of the van, loading it down with my horrible luggage and being thankful it was no longer pouring, when I heard one of the bystanders talking.

I guess the word 'heard' could be used loosely here. While I 'hear' like everyone else with working eardrums,.. I also hear people differently than others.

As long as I am in the vicinity of someone, I can here what they are thinking. I try not to use it. I try to keep out of people's personal thoughts. I know it's violating someone's privacy, but sometimes it comes in handy. That's one of the reasons why I chose this profession. I figured, if I was given this gift, then I should put it to good use and help rid the world of bad guys. But, no one knows what I can do. I don't like telling people. I've often thought about telling Sam, but I don't know how he'd react. Most people, when they find out, feel very uncomfortable around me and don't like to be near me. That would be a bad thing with Sam, since he's my partner.

Sometimes, when my own mind is wondering, I forget to keep the barrier up and someone's thoughts always end up drifting in, mixing with my own. And that's exactly what happened while I was standing there. I was lost in my own mind, going over what I just saw inside that quiet house in that quiet little neighborhood. That's when I heard it...

"HA! Even though that little bitch has boxes full of shit.. They still won't catch me!!!"

My head jerked up and started scanning the area. Even in crowds I can normally tell which direction the voice is coming from. But not tonight. Tonight I can't tell. My mind was so unfocused, I probably wouldn't even be able to tell if they were standing right in front of me.

My eyes keep scanning the area as I try to act like I'm still working. After fiddling with my stuff for over 15 minutes, I give up. I hadn't heard the voice since that one time and figured they've left. I slammed the back of the van's door closed and make my way to the driver's side. Sam is heading towards me looking more ragged than I feel.

"I got all my stuff loaded, Sam. Are you meeting me back at the office?"

"Yea, eventually. But I have to stick around here for a bit, then I'll be on my way."

I just stared at him. I thikn that was the first sentence I've ever heard him say and NOT reference the rodeo. This is obviously affecting him. More than he wants to let on.

I nod and get into the van. I wave goodbye to him as I pull away from the curb and head to the lab. As I'm driving, his last sentence keeps replaying over in my mind. It just isn't like Sam to talk like that. While his constant rodeo references are a bit irritating, I never realized until now that I would miss them when they weren't said. The lack of them is scaring me, because that means Sam ISN'T O.K.

I have to figure out whats going on with him before it gets even worse. Before it starts to affect his work or our partnership.

Rude Awaking (Fiction) Con't

It was my sinuses that were assulted first. The smell reminded me of a million dirty pennies. Dirty pennies and something else. It started burning my nose immediately, enough to make my eyes start to water. You would think that that's what bothered me the most, but it wasn't what stopped me in my tracks.

I had only stepped one foot inside the door but I was able to view most of the first landing in once glance. The front room was large and spacious. Even with every light in the vicinity on, you could still barely see what the actual color of the walls were. Everything was painted in a deep crimson color, but it wasn't from decorating. The lamp nearest me sitting on the end table had a thin base and stem and the shade was just as dainty. Or at least it once was...

Directly in front of me, seperating the front rooms, were ceiling to floor pictures that led up the stairs to the second story. The way the pictures were hung, made it look like a timeline. A timeline ending in another puddle of crimson. Even the steps were dripping with that crimson color. To the far right was another sitting area, this time with a large flat screen T.V. mounted on the eastern wall and slightly outdated furniture. Obviously the room a family would spend watching movies and playing board games together in. Just beyond the stairs dark oak cabinets decorated the quant kitchen. All the drawers had been pulled out and utensils and other cooking wares strewn about the floor. Again, everything I saw, everywhere I looked, I saw crimson.

I inched towards the couch in the center of the room to my left. It looked like it used to be a tan color, possibly matching the walls? Though I could only see the side of it, it looked like it had met the same fate as the lamp. There was a small fireplace on the west wall and the smell emitting from it reminded me of the local bar-b-que restaurant. The smell of copper was no longer the poignant smell.. the smell was now much worse, much much worse...

Were they roasting hotdogs when this happened?
God, what's that smell? I thought the smell of blood was bad,..but oh GOD! What IS that smell?

I've never smelled anything that potent before. I think I'm going to be sick.
A hand touching my shoulder startled me out of my own thoughts. I flinched and swung around, finding Sam standing there about as startled as I was.

"Damn, Cowgirl! You scared the stirs off my boots! You O.K.?"

A nervous giggled escaped my lips before I was able to speak. "Oh! I'm.. I'm sorry, Sam. Yea, I'm O.K., how are you?"

He removed his Stetson hat and wiped his brow. I guess the scenery had gotten to him too. His normally pale complexion was a mix of green and gray. We stood there for a minute just staring at eachother and surveying the scene.

"So how many victims were there?" I asked, trying to swallow the bile rising in my throat.

"Umm.. about 4. Well.. 4 1/2, really"

"How is there 4 1/2?" I asked, quickly realizing I really didn't want to know the answer.

"Well,.. this is the thing Belle.." Sam always insisted on using the short version of my name, thought I don't know why. Everyone else he always called by their last name. My birth name is long and people often mistake me for being Catholic because of it. When I was born, my parents wanted em to have a little bit of all my grandparents' names in mine. It didn't seem like a big deal until I was learning how to write it. Imagine a 3 year old trying to correctly write out Anna-Belle Irene Frances McBrady. Trust me, it wasn't easy.

Same was stalling now, like he didn't know how to say what needed to be said. It made me feel like a child again, when my parents were trying to figure out how to tell me my cat had died.

"Spit it out, Sam!" I was growing impatient. My head was starting to spin and the burning in my throat was getting worse.

"Umm.. well.. the 5th one isn't a whole body. We only found parts"

"What do you MEAN 'only parts'? Where's the rest of it?"

He adjusted his stance and lowered his head as if he was ashamed of something he did. But how could he be? He wasn't responsible for this!

Another orginal piece by me...

kiss me in the rain...so you cant see the tears falling..kiss me in the rain so you cant tell the hurt I hide
As we stand together , heart and soul connected...staring into one another
my lips caress, afraid to get to close
they quiver against yours, begging for you
I feel the sobs rise in my throat as you begin to turn away. my hands move your face to look into your eyes...the rain can no longer hide the pain in mine. my eyes scream for you to stay
telling you we belong together, that our souls will be lost without each other
you touch my face as to say goodbye, my tears are the rain that flows from my eyes. your touch so gentle, assuring my fear should fade. you are the one who loves me...the one to never cause me pain
slowly you kiss me...an eternity of love in this one kiss. this one kiss is our lifetime. it holds all we feel, all the hopes and dreams. one kiss to say everything...hello..goodbye..now and forever...always....and in my eyes you see yourself...were you will always be holding my heart hallow without you...

Rude awakening (fiction)

2:37 am and my phone is blaring. I hate being on call at night. I love my job, don't get me wrong, but I hate the middle of the night calls.

"Yes?" I answer, not trying to hide that I was sleeping.

"Get up cowgirl! We got us a rodeo!" Sam says

Sam's my boss and currently my partner from work. I've only been out of college about 4 months and I lucky enough to land a job even before I graduated. I've been in training since then and tonight is my first night as a 'real' Crime Scene Investigator.

"Ugh Sam.. why are you so chipper at 2:30 in the morning? Don't you ever sleep" I moan.

"Ehh.. sleeping is for the old! Now get up and get ready!" he says. Which is humorous since he's probably in his late 50's already.

I sit up, trying to focus on what he's saying.

"We got us a buckin' bronco on the loose! Grab your gear! I'll meet you there in 15" He says. He somehow always seems to incorporate the rodeo in just about everything he says.

"Uhhh.. Sam? What's the address?" I ask before he has a chance to hang up.

"OH! Right.. uhhh.... it's... 1478 Delaware Place... City is.. uhhh.. Warren" he stumbles. He sounds distracted now. He's either driving or reading something.

"You O.K. Sam?" I ask while writting down the address on a crumpled up tissue with my eyeliner.

"Yes.. yes.. I'm fine. It's just.. well.. from what I hear.. this is a pretty gruesome scene. Just meet me there in about 15 minutes and we'll see what the bull's did" He says before he hung up.

Though my bed is calling for me I resist the urge to lie back down and start getting dressed. After pulling on my employer issued uniform, I attempt to apply some make-up and realize what a mistake that is. I look like a raccoon with a hang over. I do my best to remove most of it and pull my hair up into a pony tail.

I grab the address off the night stand and quickly make my way to the door. Standing there puzzled, I realize it isn't locked. I swear I locked it last night when I got home, but I guess I didn't. I shrug it off and head out. The more I think about the scene, the more excited I get.

As soon as I push open the building's entry doors I see it's pouring out. "Great!" I exclaim to myself "I'm gonna get soaked tonight!"

I make a mad dash to the van because I'm not running back up 3 flights to stairs for a jacket. I jump inside, throw my stuff in the passenger seat and start it up. I enter the address in my GPS and I'm on my way.

Within 10 minutes I am parking the van at the curb. If there was any doubt in my mind that I wasn't in the right place, it was quickly abolished. The red and blue and white flashing lights confirmed this was it.

I grab some of my gear, jump out and half run-half walk to the house. As I approach, I see that the Medical Examiner and his team are already removing the bodies. I stand back out of the way to let them through. Normally I wouldn't pay much attention to their job or how long they take, except it's pouring and I cant help but notice that at least 5 stretchers with big long black body bags have passed. I wonder if there's was more that I didn't see coming out.

Finally, the last one goes and I can get out of the rain. I slip on the cloth-like booties over my shoes and latex gloves on my hands and begin to enter.

Nothing in my training has ever prepared me for the sight I was seeing or smelling.....

March 3rd, 2010

An original poem by me:

I play the words over and over inside my mind. I drink from them. They are the nectar that sustains my life. These words-just mere words, or are they? Words that speak to my soul.They bring light into the deep recesses of my heart. The place where few have ventured. The journey is ominous. Unknowing. The treasure has been well hidden. Far from the grasps of those who know not whats its worth. But worthy yourself you must be to find it. For the veil it hides behind is guarded well. Not easy to see. Many mirages are there to test. This twisting maze that is myself. An enigma. Mysterious. Ever changing. Likely one will come. But how I have lost my thoughts myself. This isn't about me, or is it? Am I speaking to myself? Can I hear my words,live them,learn from them. Am I waiting? For what? I am on the path. This journey to my own hiding place. To the treasure I myself buried,long ago. My words have given me strength. Allowed my eyes to see more clearly. My faith to be fearless. They have given me knowledge, wisdom and desire. Desire for truth and understanding. The ability to see beyond one's self. To the soul of another. To connect. Electrify. Only when two souls match will you feel it. The energy surging and pulsating between two beings. Two bodies, two hearts, one soul, one life- floating, endlessly, forever......floating